For the past few weeks angry, red bumps have been appearing all over my body. At first I thought they were spider bites, but the volume of bites would indicate that 1 million spiders were crawling all over me at night. Shiver.
They look like mosquito bites, however I don't think those things can bite you on the BUTT. Unless you're not wearing any pants. Which I DO.
Then I actually saw a critter wandering across my stomach. So naturally I checked the Internet, and the Internet told me to see a dermatologist.
The doctor peered closely at my mottled stomach and said, "Yes. Those are bug bites." Thank you for that keen diagnosis. Now please check every mole on my body because I really trust you to protect me from skin cancer.
Sadly there is no cure for bug bites. I left with a recommendation for an over the counter bug spray, a prescription for a mild steroid to bring the swelling down, and the advice "Do Not Scratch." Easy for you to say Doc.