Lost and Found

An open letter to the thieves who stole Paul's car on Saturday evening (written in the context that I own the car because it sounds more rant-y):

Hey there Guy & Gal who stole my car,

I want to punch you in the face. I understand that sometimes people need to go places and they don't have a car. Please- take mine- I'm not using it at the moment. I hope that you managed to accomplish all of your errands in 170mi. Glad to know you weren't just joy riding.
Perhaps if you must leave the windows down when you depart, park it in a neighborhood that is not 85th & San Leandro. Walnut Creek? Blackhawk? Yes please.  
If you're an avid hiker who has a penchant for wearing used men's speedos- the goods in my trunk are at your disposal. I want you to pursue your ambitions. But don't leave your filthy blanket and Hello Kitty jelly beans in my backseat. I don't want them.

But really? Did you have to pry the cupholders out? Steal the review mirror? Break the already broken AC (overkill a little?)? Crack the windshield in two places?
Why did you needlessly vandalize my car? So when I do track you down- I will punch you in the face. And I do expect my cupholders back.
xoxo